Ladies, we have got to stop suffering in silence when things get hard. Faith is easy and hard at the same time. It's hard when you have so much going on to focus on faith. We know all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). It's the things that have to work together that make up the hard part. Getting through those hard things and holding on to faith at the same time...it's not easy. You know what? It's okay to admit that! The easy part comes when you start remembering who God is and what He has already done in your life. It gets even easier when you decide that EVEN IF HE DOESN'T meet your expectations you will not fall away.
So, I started this post to talk about how to trust God even when everything going on around you makes it difficult. I kid you not, right as I started writing this I got a call from my husband saying the money we were supposed to get paid today will not be paid until next week due to an accounting mistake. The money was counted on for bills which most people can relate to. It's the perfect time for me to put into practice what I preach, right?
Back to my original story which is about that time my birth plan didn't go as planned...
This was when I unexpectedly got pregnant with my youngest child. I was surprised, excited, and scared all at the same time! It had been almost 6 years since I had a baby and I already had four biological children and three bonus kids. Right before I found out I had baby magazines and baby formula samples coming to my house. I was confused thinking it was a joke or something. In early March of 2016 I went to my doctor for a regular checkup and she said, "Well, since you're pregnant..." and I told her there's no way I'm pregnant. She corrected herself because no tests had come back saying I was pregnant.
A few weeks later I took a test and I was pregnant! What?! Really?!
This pregnancy had to be a God thing! He was preparing me for something I wasn't prepared for. So, this pregnancy was going to be different from all the other ones. I was going to have a natural childbirth with very little pain. I was going to continue losing weight in a healthy way so I wouldn't be so big when I had the baby (I had already lost about 35lbs). Also, since my last three pregnancies were all boys and we wanted a girl so badly...we were going to have a girl this time! I had a plan from the beginning, and God was going to honor my plan because I had faith! I even bought the Supernatural Childbirth book! Okay God, I'm ready! Let's do this!
I'm about to roll the rest of this pregnancy out Job style so keep up...
-My first ultrasound there was no baby.
-Second ultrasound there was a baby, and now there was also a subchorionic hematoma which could at any time cause me to miscarry the baby.
-Oh and I have fibroids all of a sudden.
-Now my pregnancy is high risk and I can't go anywhere or do much or I'll lose the baby. I even left my job to be home and prevent a miscarriage.
-Things are better and the hematoma finally dissolved after some time.
-It's almost time for the gender reveal! Everything I read says we're having girl, plus God is going to honor our faith and give us a girl!
-We're having another boy.
-It's almost time for my glucose test, which should go great since I've never failed one.
-I failed the glucose test, and now I have to take another. Failed that one too. I have gestational diabetes.
-What's this pain? Ugh, round ligament pain! I've never had this before! Why can't I walk?!
Okay, what's up God? Nothing is going as planned. This is NOT how this pregnancy was supposed to go!
There's still hope for my faith to work in the rest of the pregnancy though. I had gestational diabetes so I was going to have to go in to be induced two weeks early. We did an ultrasound and found out the fibroids had grown big enough that the baby was transverse in my uterus (laying sideways) which means I was probably going to need a c-section.
NOPE! Not having one! I had all of my other kids without surgery and this was wasn't going to be any different. Plus, I still wanted a natural childbirth! We prayed and prayed and prayed some more. We went in for another ultrasound right before I was to be induced and guess what...THE BABY HAD FLIPPED! YAY! His head was down and that meant I could at least finish this pregnancy the way I had planned.
I went in for my scheduled induction and opted not to get the epidural. I had prepared for this! The contractions started and we were good. But what's taking so long? Hours and hours went by and I wasn't progressing. It turned out the baby had flipped back to a transverse position. I couldn't take the pain anymore so I had to get the epidural...and I cried. This sucks. Nothing is going the way I believed it would.
Now I'm trying to figure out where I went wrong in my faith. Did I sin or something? Am I being punished? This is going to be my last baby and everything from the beginning felt like a disaster. My doctor was awesome and she knew I wanted to wait and see if he would flip back into position, but after 31 hours of being in labor it was no longer safe. I had to go into surgery and have a c-section. I cried again. WHY is this my story?! God, what did I do?!
To some, this might not seem like such a big deal. What you have to understand though is I haven't always been a believer. It took a while to get here. That's another story for another time, but believe me when I say my faith was in a place where I just took God at His Word. He could not fail...ever. So, of course this pregnancy was going to be just another testimony of His faithfulness.
In recovery, while I was talking to God and trying to figure out what went wrong I realized something. God is still God. In the book of Job, Job's wife tells him to "curse God and die" in response to all he had lost. Job refused because He knew despite everything, God is still God. Job had his "why me" moment, and he had no idea God would give him more than he ever had. He still chose to believe.
The three Hebrews in Daniel had absolute faith that God was going to deliver them from the fire. But even if He didn't...
But even if He doesn't...
But even if it doesn't go as planned...
But even if my expectations aren't met...
But even if...
I will still praise Him. I will still believe. I will still have faith and know that my God will never leave me nor forsake me. I will still preach the Good News that Jesus Christ came, died, and is alive after resurrection. I will still proclaim that the blood of Jesus has set us free from sin, and continues to deliver daily. Even if my prayers aren't answered. Even if...
Today, I have a happy and healthy baby boy who has no idea of the fight it took to get him here. And that is my testimony....that everything the devil meant to destroy my faith, to destroy my pregnancy, to destroy my sanity even...God has worked together for our good.